Last night I managed to catch both AM Homes and Squirrels from Hell through the magic of a crazed taxi driver and rather obeisant foot traffic along the way. (I rarely use this mode of transport–I hate cab drivers. Almost as much as car service drivers. I *loathe* car service drivers. When they report on the news that a car service driver has been killed somehow, I chortle with glee. One less assjacking, horn-leaning, speed-of-light-barrier-breaking, stereo-blaring douchebag. Good riddance. Incidentally, my father was a cabdriver for awhile before I was born, but I got over hating him a while ago.) It’s probably unbecoming to admit to celebrating the deaths of innocent car service men, given recent events, the impending anniversary, yadda yadda. However, to quote Lady Chablis, two tears in a bucket, motherfuck it.
So, in the interest of alienating everyone, I may as well tell you now that, in addition to everything I’ve espoused before, I believe that quality of life crimes should be punishable by death and that strollers should be banned from the 5 boroughs. In fact, I think there should be child-free restaurants. Child-free neighborhoods too. I also want to know why Henry Kissinger and Russell Harding are still walking around as free men. And why is there a dearth of goddamn public toilets in this city? If you walked around my neighborhood for any length of time, you’d start to believe that human waste fell from the sky, and of the two public restrooms within a 10-block radius of my house, one is open for 3 hours a day and the other requires that you ask an ever-absent attendant for toilet paper. Fuck that weak shit. As citizens with access to computers and toilets, I think we should thank our lucky stars that the more indignant homeless haven’t begun a shit revolution in this town in protest of no public restrooms, lobbing turd missiles at us as we shop in NoLIta and taking craps in our mailboxes at home on our J.Crew catalogs. ‘Cause if I was homeless, you’d better believe that’s what I’d do. And for those of you who *have* been confronted with gobs of homeless shit, you have been warned. Time to spread the word! Number two if by land!
Stroke me.
