(Try to imagine this on a tearstained purple page.)

I’m sitting here thinking about what am I gonna do. I’ll see R, what, once or maybe twice and then I’ll never see him ever again? He’s gonna leave and then what? There’ll be a huge hole in me that I spent so far 8 months of my life filling up with R. All R, never letting any other guy into my heart. I couldn’t, and I don’t know if I’ll be able to replace him after he’s gone. [blurred writing] I’m so pathetic. But so what if I am? I’m almost happy this way. I really think R is the only guy I’ve really loved so far. Looking back at past blunders I realize that I’ve never known that cliche, love. I’m ridiculous. I try to be so strong and losing R will just crush me, I know. R, you are beautiful and I’ll always love you. I can’t even grasp how it’ll feel, knowing I’ll never see him again. Knowing I’ll grow up and be without him forever. But I won’t always be like this, right? I’ll be a stoic. I’ll know never to let in those feelings that are so foreign. [expurgated REM lyrics] He was never my “boyfriend.” I am such a fool. I don’t even think he’d even understand how great my need, my love is for him. Oh well, funny how the most wonderful person has made me so fucking miserable for 8 months…8 years probably…I sound like a psycho. I’ll never know. To hear him say I love you would it make it worse or better? …Is it fate? Or is it jus tthe work of two people who were never meant to meet of fall in love. Fate is bullshit ’cause we make our own fate. We determine our own lives. I’ve tried not to let others control me but it doesn’t work. Why can’t I be in charge, ever? All I need is one decent power trip. That would work, right? I feel as though I have no control over my own life. Maybe I should make a list of things to do: 1)Get control of things. 2)Write your term paper. 3)Lose 5 lbs. Easy huh? Reference this in the future.

In retrospect, I gotta say that my parents’ decision not to put me on antipsychotics was a pretty gutsy move on their part. This was about the time they started locking their bedroom door at night.

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