Celebrity sightings in NYC, a place where fully 34% of the population is famous, are kind of too commonplace to get excited about, unless they’re in some curious or salacious context (eg, Anderson Cooper at the Phoenix* or Ben Affleck taking a shit at Enid’s** or Grady Sizemore in a jockstrap jumping up and down on my bed.***)(Oh, and Grady, I’m also planning on doling out some punishment after last night’s game. Jesus).

Still, if I had to pick, Vincent Gallo is probably my favorite “celebrity” sighting. This is not merely because I think he’s a terrific douchebag. It’s because I truly believe that he has some metaphysical ability to be in five places at once. It’s something like the Caine-Hackman Theory. Either that, or he’s so desperate to be relevant that he’s hitting the pavement every day, pressing the flesh and kissing babies. Whatever. I’ve seen him pretty much everywhere in this town, and sometimes at the same time that someone’s seeing him elsewhere.

Yesterday’s VG sighting was a watershed moment, however, because it’s the first time I’ve heard him talking. Standing on the corner of Bleecker and Charles, waiting for the walk sign, I noticed who I thought was some Emo Neckbeard with a bicycle, leaning against a building. But then I overheard the familiar whiny Western NY State accent (go-ween, do-een). I looked over again.

Vincent cast a furtive glance at me and continued haranguing the person on the other end of his cellphone.

“No, I do not want any friends coming over. Listen. No. No friends. Why? Because today’s friends are tomorrow’s thieves, that’s why. [Pause.] Well, maybe. Yes, you’re more than welcome to call me beforehand.”

I wondered if perhaps he was asking Natasha Lyonne to house-sit. But then the sign said WALK, so I walked. What can you do?

*True.
**Also true.
***Not true.
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