Have I ever mentioned that Alan Colmes works out at my gym, every day? (He actually works out on the same strange bike-elliptical hybrid that Dale Peck used to work out on. I guess it’s the VIP machine.) He always looks to be in agony. (Whereas I look like an angel.) I’m pretty sure it’s him. I’m generally good at celebrity spottings that impress no one.

This morning, I watched Fox News from my fluffy cloud that hovers above the recumbent bikes. I almost never watch Fox News, unless it’s a clip provided by a reliably left-wing kneejerk news blog. Sure, that’s awfully biased, but so is the unexpurgated channel–just in reverse.

It takes a singular vacuity to be a Fox News morning anchor. I was wondering how long I’d last as one before I cracked.

‘Can’t we all just get along?’ You’re asking this in a story about how Costco won’t carry Coke products anymore? Do you even recall the origin of this quotation?

Wow, so Obama’s mortgage aid program hasn’t magically solved the foreclosure crisis overnight? Amazing. I mean, look at the War on Terror. We sent in troops and they found Saddam and we got peace in the Middle East in record time.

Let me make sure I fully understand those last two stories. Just to be clear. Unemployment is at 10% nationwide and personal debt is as bad as ever. And today’s Cyber Monday, when everyone who is employed goes to work and spends the day not doing their work and shopping online. And that’s a good thing?

Aaaand we’re back from our commercial break. Hey, did you guys see that Goldline spot we just ran? The paid spokesperson was that actor who played the brain-damaged guy on OZ. And you know who else is a paid spokesperson? Glenn Beck. I feel like there’s a connection here.

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