tomsSt. Augustine is the capital of Weirdsville. Aside from the fact that an 88-year-old man was robbed, which is not at all funny*, everything else about this story is absolutely amazing. If you were studying creative writing with Harry Crews and you wrote this story and turned it in, he’d be like, “Man, this is just too far-fetched.”

Man Dressed as Pirate Robs Clerk at Knife Point:

Tom’s Fruits and Gifts at 1812 A1A South was the scene of an armed robbery late Wednesday afternoon according to a report received by the St. Augustine local news desk at Historic City News.

88 year-old Thomas Grohowski and 56 year-old William Grohowski were at work just after 3:30 p.m. Wednesday when they reported that a white male, about 5′8″, in his early 60’s, with a ponytail and facial hair, wearing a pirate hat, a long sleeve shirt and tan pants entered their store.

The unknown man browsed while waiting for other customers to leave.

When they were alone, the man approached William Grohowski at the cash register and brandished a large stainless steel folding knife. The robber demanded that Grohowski give him all of the money in the till.

Grohowski told police that the suspect fled south toward the Pizza Garden; riding a bicycle that was towing a trailer, displaying a Florida Gator flag.

We have driven by Tom’s a million times. It’s the archetypal Florida Souvenir Purveyor–the one-stop-shopping emporium for all your shellac’d gator head, polished conch shell, soft-shell pecan, and Dixie flag needs.

The kicker is that I swear to God N and I have seen the bicycle pirate. Minus the pirate hat, there’s a guy who rides around our “new” neighborhood, towing a wagon with a dog wearing a Gators t-shirt. Kinda hard to miss. (Which is why it’s even more…confounding…that the police weren’t able to find him.)

Related PS: A reader helpfully pointed out that a possible reason behind tourists’ Bad Subway Behavior is due to the fact that the majority of America is without reliable, convenient public transportation. This is a very good point. Though it must be said that this doesn’t address the fact that many parts of America do have reliable and convenient crazy people.

Unrelated PS: Hello, breakfast!

*I’m having a hard time understanding why this guy didn’t have a gun. Everyone in Florida has a gun. Except the bike-riding pirates.

Photo from Historic City.

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