Congratulations, America. And thank you, all you lazy-ass millennials who couldn’t be bothered to vote in an election that wasn’t illustrated by Shepard Fairey. Thank you, single-issue voters. And a special thank you to everyone out there whose chief source of political information is Glenn Beck’s Twitter feed. I don’t want to say that you’ll get what you deserve, because voting jackasses like Rand into office and handily giving the Speaker of the House seat to Boehner is only the beginning of what you deserve.

As a special aside to all the non-voting millennials, I’d like to say: I’m not an idealist. I don’t believe voting makes a difference in every election. There are far too many races in which we’re essentially given a choice of nothing. But if you consciously choose to not perform a fundamental and simple civic duty, you had better be wearing a balaclava and a Sam Browne belt and heading to the Capitol to smash the fucking state. I want a Tompkins Park Tent City erected on the Mall and a Bonus Army led by kids in Wavves t-shirts and those weird harem pants that all the girls seem to be into this fall. Except this time, I want you to drive the politicians out at bayonet-point. And me? I’ll just blog about it from my comfy office chair, because unlike you, I went out and voted yesterday.

That said, the sole election night party I’d have like to attend last night was Linda McMahon’s. Never mind the fact that she’s an idiot who deserved to lose — I heard she had five open bars.