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Posted By D.E. on February 22nd, 2010

Sometimes–and only sometimes–part of me wants to pick up and move down to Florida* so that I can see my extended family and inlaws more often. I learned a couple years ago that I actually like my family. (My mother’s family.) I grew up not seeing much of them. And now that my father’s side of the family has stopped inviting me to family gatherings,** I have nothing keeping me up here.

And I like my inlaws. In fact, I’m currently penning a how-to book called How to Renovate Your House on the Cheap by Enslaving Your Elderly Parents.

On the other hand, though, that would severely curtail My Alone Time, which mostly consists of drinking bourbon, eating peanut butter out of the jar with my hands, reading Metafilter, and listening to the music that N can’t stand. And sometimes it’s music that no self-respecting musophile would admit to enjoying, under pain of death even. Like post-Gabriel Genesis. Or Josh Turner (whom NPR seems to like, so maybe he’s not totally uncool)(that was said in half-seriousness). Or the Dead.

Or post-Toys in the Attic Aerosmith. Very post-.

Twenty years ago, when I was in high school (and oh my god I can’t believe I just typed that), I got mono. I started coming down with it the week of spring break, but I didn’t want to tell my parents that I was running a fever and feeling a bit delirious and tired, because I had plans to play tennis*** with this cute boy from school and I was not about to be stopped.

So, the Monday school resumed, my mother found me standing in the shower, dry, staring numbly at the hot/cold water knobs and unable to figure out what the next step was. The doctor confirmed it and thus began my month of quarantine.

As much as I like to be alone, I can’t say that I enjoyed this month, because I also had an almost unbearable–and tenacious–case of strep throat. Seriously, it was bad. It was so bad that for the first time in my young life, food held no appeal, and I couldn’t taste anything. My parents made me milkshakes every day, which I refused. Milkshakes.

MILKSHAKES!

I lost about 15 pounds, which actually put me at a healthy weight. (When I returned to school, people would stop me and ask what happened, and I told them I’d been away at an unwed mothers home.)

The school sent a tutor every week to bring me homework assignments and give me tests and whatnot. I finished everything within an hour. Public school is a joke.

This meant that I spent most of my time watching MTV. You might not remember this, but 1990 was not a great year for popular music. As such, in my febrile state, I watched an unchanging and fairly small rotation of videos. Of them all, Nothing Compares 2 U was the most tolerable, but then there was also Adam Ant’s pathetic comeback attempt, Room at the Top. Also, we had Onion Skin, by Boom Crash Opera, a band so mind-blowingly awful and improbably popular that I have to assume they made a pact with the devil. And then, of course, there was “Hold On,” by Wilson Phillips (which, by the way, was the number one song of 1990), who had not sold their souls to the devil in exchange for fame–they were actually his henchmen and I will not be linking to their video.

Finally, though, there was a song that somehow resonated with me, as bad as it is. To this day, I really, really love it. I even bought the mp3 from Amazon last year.

Aerosmith, “What It Takes”

So when I am alone, I listen to this song. Really, it’s not so bad. A sad accordion song will do it for me every time.

*Other times, I want to pick up and move due to the fact that we do, in fact, own a house there now, and also to the fact that the weather in NYC is ready to kill me right now.
**I can’t imagine why, though I suspect I should blame Obama. I miss the Struffoli but not a lot else.
***All these odd revelations about me today! I think that was probably the last time I picked up a tennis racket, by the way. I should be glad my spleen didn’t explode.
 

Excerpt

Here’s a little taste of my essay, “Rules of Repulsion,” my contribution to Love Is a Four-Letter Word. Everyone in my family will hate me after they read this. Maybe you could go buy the book–it’d make me feel better.

Carrying a thermos emblazoned with the Black Flag logo and wearing Doc Martens, slim trousers, and a vintage button-down shirt, Booth sported the definitive early nineties proto-hipster style that I’d only ever seen in music magazines. My hometown had one stoplight, and my high school boyfriends favored dirty jeans, motorcycle rally T-shirts, and engineer boots.

In my limited worldview, Booth was the Platonic ideal of cool.

People hugged him mightily and announced how happy they were that he was back. When he sat down next to me and said, “Hi, I’m Booth,” I felt the most inchoate sense of longing an eighteen-year-old has ever felt. I knew that if I could make him love me, I would be the happiest girl in the world.

It seemed he wasn’t quite as entranced but was keen to chat. He told me about his summer, which, as I recall, included some sort of cross-country road trip involving ironic tourist destinations. And he’d been to San Francisco to get a tattoo. He lifted up his shirt to show me his scrawny, pale back. He had a line of tattoos down his spine and described the provenance of each. I recognized each one as a totem of absolute fucking cool.

Booth possessed an encyclopedic knowledge of music. We had very similar tastes, save for one genre: jazz. In fact, Booth was a jazz music major. He played the contrabass, which seemed to suit his personality—the largest and most formidable instrument on any given stage.

I was awestruck. I forced myself to say good night, however, knowing that I faced a long day of orientation symposiums on date rape and the importance of gender-neutral pronouns. I told Booth that I hoped I’d see him again.

“Good night, Dana,” Booth said. “It was nice to meet you.”

That night, in my unfamiliar and lumpy institutional bed, I replayed that final exchange ad infinitum. He had remembered my name.

The next day, my roommate and I decided that we knew enough about how “No means No,” so we skipped orientation and sat on the lawn outside of the classroom building, under an old apple tree. Our housemates—none of whom had attended the symposiums either—joined us, and while everyone else chatted amiably about their hometowns, I thought about Booth and absently tossed half-rotten apples down the hill.

A little while later, a Ford Bronco rolled down the school drive and stopped ten yards away. Booth stuck his head out the window. “Hey there!” he called to me. “What are you up to?”

“Nothing,” I said, and abandoned my housemates.

He drove me to his off-campus apartment in North Camden, and while he was making coffee, I scanned his pedigreed library. “I see you like Henry Rollins,” I commented, noting that Booth seemed to own every record and book the turgid, parochial moron had ever produced.

“Yes! He’s my hero!” Booth bounded over to the shelf and pulled out a Black Flag tour diary. “Lemme read you something. It’s so great.”

It was a passage in which Rollins recounted jerking off into a sleeping girl’s hair because she had kicked him out of bed. I stood there patiently for five minutes as Booth read and wondered if maybe I should’ve attended that date rape seminar after all.

He finished and looked at me expectantly.

“That guy’s an insufferable douche bag,” I said.

“You’re wrong,” Booth countered, unrankled. This would turn out to be one of Booth’s greatest and most irritating qualities—I couldn’t get him riled up about anything. “You’re wrong” was the only thing he’d ever say when we argued.

We sat on his couch, drinking black coffee, smoking, and listening to a Japanese Ornette Coleman bootleg. I tried to make conversation, but he shushed me every time. “You have to listen to this part,” he said, pointing reverently at the stereo speaker.

I began to wonder if maybe he wasn’t all that interested in me. And how was I supposed to make him interested if I couldn’t stun him with my erudite, witty observations?

After thirty-five torturous minutes, side two ended, the tone arm returned to its cradle, and Booth emerged from his reverie. “So,” he said. “Wanna fuck?”