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Posted By D.E. on August 17th, 2010

Whenever a stranger on the street asks me for directions, I always, always stop and try to help.

Because I am a helpful person.

So yesterday morning, after semi-successfully vanquishing my lousy mood at the gym, I’m heading to work. And up ahead of me on the sidewalk I see this guy talking on his cellphone. And I’m thinking, this poor guy. He has all these freckles, and red hair, and poor eyesight, and obvious problems with his adenoids, and no grasp of flattering fashion. And also, he’s wearing a Yankees cap and jersey, which leads me to suspect that he might be retarded. (I know it’s not very zen of me to keep this running inner monologue that consists mostly of stranger-judging and Death Wish-style fantasies. If I could learn meditation I’m sure the voices would quiet a bit. I have a number of meditation albums on my iPod. I only listen to them on the subways to drown out everyone around me. But I’ve learned that it’s important to remember how strangers are dressed and what they look like because as a Hysterical Feminist®, I believe that all men are potential rapists. As an added bonus, this enables me to follow men’s fashion trends pretty closely.)

But I’m saying this because this guy is standing right in my way on the sidewalk, talking on his cellphone. And me, I’m listening to my Getting Psyched for Quietly Resigned to Work mix, which begins with “Can I Say.” And I’m looking at him because now I’m right in front of him. He’s pretty tall. And he takes his phone from his ear and starts saying something to me and because I AM A HELPFUL PERSON I pull my headphones out of my ears and I’m expecting him to ask for directions to one of the myriad neighborhood methadone clinics (because maybe he’s not retarded, just addled) and I say, “Pardon me?”

And he says, “I said how you doin’ this morning, mama?”

In terms of threat level, dickhead was more along the lines of Annoying Pinstripe Fedora Dude than Schrodinger’s Rapist. But you know what? Fuck that guy. I generally just shake my head and keep walking in situations such as these*, but yesterday? I was irritated. So I say to him, “Is this your strategy? Do you just interrupt women you don’t even know on the street to harass them?”

And he gets all exercised and hoots and says “YEAH!”

And over my shoulder I shout, “GOOD LUCK WITH THAT, DICKHEAD!” What can I say, why should I try, indeed.

But seriously: Fuck that guy, and fuck YOU if you’ve ever been that guy.

*And of course the one time I actually engaged in conversation in one of these situations it turned into some Herzog short. I was in Prospect Heights, running an errand, and this guy driving an ambulette van slowed down to talk to me. (It should be noted that the sole requirements to become an ambulette driver in NYC are that you be a) insane and b) completely unaware of driving rules and regulations.)

Him: “Hello there.”

Me, walking, pulling headphones off: “Hi.”

Him: “Did you know that you’re beautiful?”

Me: “Yes.”

Him: “Can I give you my number?”

Me: “I’m married.”

Him, cars honking behind him: “Does your husband tell you every day that you’re beautiful?”

Me, trying to get him off my case, though clearly the honking isn’t deterring his mission: “Yes.”

Him: “Because I think it’s real important that a woman gets told that she’s beautiful. Every day.”

Me, hitting the street corner and turning left: “That’s nice.”

Him: “Especially when they’re on their period.”

Me: [???]

Him, driving off: “You have a nice day, beautiful.”

Epilogue: I still can’t tell if that was serious street harassment or performance art. Naturally as soon as he was out of sight, I spun my skirt in a 360 in the middle of the sidewalk, just to check…well, you know.

 

Excerpt

Here’s a little taste of my essay, “Rules of Repulsion,” my contribution to Love Is a Four-Letter Word. Everyone in my family will hate me after they read this. Maybe you could go buy the book–it’d make me feel better.

Carrying a thermos emblazoned with the Black Flag logo and wearing Doc Martens, slim trousers, and a vintage button-down shirt, Booth sported the definitive early nineties proto-hipster style that I’d only ever seen in music magazines. My hometown had one stoplight, and my high school boyfriends favored dirty jeans, motorcycle rally T-shirts, and engineer boots.

In my limited worldview, Booth was the Platonic ideal of cool.

People hugged him mightily and announced how happy they were that he was back. When he sat down next to me and said, “Hi, I’m Booth,” I felt the most inchoate sense of longing an eighteen-year-old has ever felt. I knew that if I could make him love me, I would be the happiest girl in the world.

It seemed he wasn’t quite as entranced but was keen to chat. He told me about his summer, which, as I recall, included some sort of cross-country road trip involving ironic tourist destinations. And he’d been to San Francisco to get a tattoo. He lifted up his shirt to show me his scrawny, pale back. He had a line of tattoos down his spine and described the provenance of each. I recognized each one as a totem of absolute fucking cool.

Booth possessed an encyclopedic knowledge of music. We had very similar tastes, save for one genre: jazz. In fact, Booth was a jazz music major. He played the contrabass, which seemed to suit his personality—the largest and most formidable instrument on any given stage.

I was awestruck. I forced myself to say good night, however, knowing that I faced a long day of orientation symposiums on date rape and the importance of gender-neutral pronouns. I told Booth that I hoped I’d see him again.

“Good night, Dana,” Booth said. “It was nice to meet you.”

That night, in my unfamiliar and lumpy institutional bed, I replayed that final exchange ad infinitum. He had remembered my name.

The next day, my roommate and I decided that we knew enough about how “No means No,” so we skipped orientation and sat on the lawn outside of the classroom building, under an old apple tree. Our housemates—none of whom had attended the symposiums either—joined us, and while everyone else chatted amiably about their hometowns, I thought about Booth and absently tossed half-rotten apples down the hill.

A little while later, a Ford Bronco rolled down the school drive and stopped ten yards away. Booth stuck his head out the window. “Hey there!” he called to me. “What are you up to?”

“Nothing,” I said, and abandoned my housemates.

He drove me to his off-campus apartment in North Camden, and while he was making coffee, I scanned his pedigreed library. “I see you like Henry Rollins,” I commented, noting that Booth seemed to own every record and book the turgid, parochial moron had ever produced.

“Yes! He’s my hero!” Booth bounded over to the shelf and pulled out a Black Flag tour diary. “Lemme read you something. It’s so great.”

It was a passage in which Rollins recounted jerking off into a sleeping girl’s hair because she had kicked him out of bed. I stood there patiently for five minutes as Booth read and wondered if maybe I should’ve attended that date rape seminar after all.

He finished and looked at me expectantly.

“That guy’s an insufferable douche bag,” I said.

“You’re wrong,” Booth countered, unrankled. This would turn out to be one of Booth’s greatest and most irritating qualities—I couldn’t get him riled up about anything. “You’re wrong” was the only thing he’d ever say when we argued.

We sat on his couch, drinking black coffee, smoking, and listening to a Japanese Ornette Coleman bootleg. I tried to make conversation, but he shushed me every time. “You have to listen to this part,” he said, pointing reverently at the stereo speaker.

I began to wonder if maybe he wasn’t all that interested in me. And how was I supposed to make him interested if I couldn’t stun him with my erudite, witty observations?

After thirty-five torturous minutes, side two ended, the tone arm returned to its cradle, and Booth emerged from his reverie. “So,” he said. “Wanna fuck?”